Whenever I get a packet of plain M&Ms;, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately.
The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms; are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.
I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms; as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest.
Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:
M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hacketstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A, along with a 3x5 card reading, 'Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.'
This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free bag of plain M&Ms;. I consider this 'grant money.'
I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.